FEAR CHUCK NORRIS!!!

[hayden]

Don't eat or drink anything while reading this.


When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay,
but because he has run out of women.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but
Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke
The speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks
you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but
was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied,
"That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 % percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the
face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony,
couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They
now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought
a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard
rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good
Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
DARE
YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her
throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed,
"Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he
realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that
anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift
of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly
after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck
Norris.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the
pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another
fist.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris?more than meets the eye, Chuck Norrisrobot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was
far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure
more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

[Mikey]

IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET

I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris

www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx

[Emanuel Melo]

LMAO, see what you started Hayden!

[The Donkey]

(Standing and clapping)

This is spectacluar! This is why the internet was made.

(Wipes tears away)

[Mikey]

here is more some funny some.......not so much

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and shit it out solved.

after i found these I found even more but didn't copy them cause they were getting lame

[Mikey]

and the not quite as amusing Mr. T Facts

-According to Mr. T, Jibba Jabba is the official language of 99.9% of the world's population.

-Unlike Mario and Luigi, Mr. T cannot die by falling into a bottomless pit.

-When Mr. T ran with the bulls in Spain, the bulls turned around and Mr. T chased them.

-Mr. T has a PhD in Being The Greatest Man Alive. His real name is therefore Dr. Mr. T.

-Mr. T holds the world record for building the biggest gold chain out of legos.

-When Mr T goes out in the rain he never gets wet.

-Mr. T was the lost member of Monty Python, The Kids In The Hall, Saturday Night Live, but not Mad T.V... certainly not Mad T.V.

-Mr. T shot J.R.

-The answer to every mystery ever solved by Sherlock Holmes is Mr. T.

-Mr. T once bitch slapped Captain Planet for being a pussy.

-Mr. T is currently suing Burger King for not putting Chuck Norris in his whopper. Mr. T pities the fool who doesn't give it his way.

-For a short period in his life, Mr. T was a child book author. However this was short lived after the failure of his first book: Curious George and the Ebola Virus.

-Chuck Norris once challenged Vin Diesel to an arm wrestling match... Mr. T won.

-Mr. T once ate the whole 48 ounce steak in Myrtle Beach right after he ate a cow, he just wanted the T-shirt.

-Mr. T is immune to inertia. Also diarrhea.

-Mr. T has only made one prediction in his life: Pain. He was 100% accurate.

-Mr. T doesn't go to Pizza Hut for all you can eat, he goes to the dump and eats glass.

-Mr. T doesn't use his mouth to eat. He can absorb nutrients with his hands.

-When he goes rock climbing, Mr. T puts vegetable oil on his hands instead of powder just to make it challenging.

-Mr. T will sometimes get up and lift weights in his sleep.

-Mr. T pitied your daddy. That's why he drinks.

-If you were to look at your family tree, there is a 99.4% chance that Mr. T will be somewhere on the top row.

-If, after a football game, Mr. T feels like he didn't sack the quarterback enough, he will find out where the quarterback lives and go sack him some more.

-The real reason dinosaurs went extinct was because McDonalds was attempting to keep up with Mr. T's demand for the McRib sandwich.

-Mr. T's 1982 GMC van was the first vehical capible of space travel. It can also go underwater and tunnel to the center of the earth.

-Looking into Mr. T's eyes for more than five seconds will either make your stomach rupture or your liver fail.

-When Mr. T goes to kick a field goal, he has to aim for goalposts in a different stadium, just to make it fair.

-Mr. T can not only open beer bottles with his teeth, but also pipes, manhole covers, and wrecked vehicles. ("I got your jaws of life right here, fool!")

-Mr.T is so strong that when he hit Sylvester Stalone in Rocky 2, His wife felt it. After this incident She changed her name and is now known as David Spade.

-Contrary to popular belief, Mr. T discovered America. Not Christopher Columbus. He drove his 1982 GMC van across the Ocean 10 years earlier.

-The 'T' in Mr. T stands for 'Totally Awesome, In Fact, So Totally Awesome, If You Ever Fully Realized The Magnitude Of This Awesomeness, Your Stomach Would Melt And Your Brains Would Leak Out Your Ears'!

-When asked how strong he was, MR.T replied "Stronger than you are fool" and ripped the mans arms clear off.

-When removed and laid out, the gold chains on Mr. T's neck actually form an exact model for the DNA genetic modification for turning water into wine.

-Chuck Norris once tried the Stare of Doom on Mr. T. Mr. T's gold reflected the doom, and the resulting carnage caused the melt down at Chernobyl.

-Mr. T was asked to replace Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker in "Return of the Jedi", but turned down the role after producers would not change the script from, "May the force be with you," to "I pity the fool."

-Mr T's favorite song was MC Hammer's "Can't touch this." When trying to write his own songs, he kept coming back to the phrase "Stop, T time." and numerous times he missed the irony of the situation, He did not like Tea.

-Mr. T's autobiography, "So Many Fools, Not Enough Pity," was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for its heartwarming and inspiring tales of Mr. T overcoming his fear of flying, and his battle with gold-addiction--as well the sweet tutorial on how to install machine-gun turrets on top of a GMC van using a w****ng torch, a 55-gallon drum, chicken wire, and skim milk.

-What we see as Mr. T is, in fact, not the true T. The T we've seen and loved all these years is merely an actor, as even a tangential glance of the true T is known to instantly cause spontaneous human combustion.

-Coca-Cola introduced "New Coke" on April 23, 1985. Public reaction was almost unamiously in opposition to the new formula, but their outcries went ignored by the Coca-Cola executives. That is, until July 10, when Mr. T went to find out what all the "jibba jabba" was about and tried it himself. Coca-Cola restored the original formula as "Coke Classic" that very day.

-Mr. T once sliced a hemopheliac with a box cutter just so he could say his catch phrase.

-Mr. T once said, "There is no 'I' in team, but there is a 'T'! Fool!!" This was at a motivational speaking conference and it was the entirety of his lecture.

-Mr. T believes pigeons are "dummiheads", and berates them often and publically. The pigeons have yet to issue a response.

-Mr T once had to pitty himself for wearing his gold chains while swimming. He sank to the bottom of the ocean and then ate Moby Dick.

-Mr. T somehow has managed to use a Ti-83 graphing calculator as a full-fledged cell phone, complete with text messaging, email, video recording, and hamburger grill.

-Mr. T was originally cast to play "Wolverine" in the movie "X-Men". However, when the director disagreed with his request to change the title to "Mr.T Hates France", razor blades shot out of his knuckles and he killed everyone on set.

-Originally the A-Team was named The T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

[Markus K Fabian]

Mikey; I saw a RAOS hat in the building I live in today!
Weeeeeeeeird!