Post by Super Machine on Aug 6, 2008 10:46:36 GMT -5
I decided to spice up my video review a bit, since I covered enough wacky Japanese wrestling over the last two weeks. The great people of 'Not Rated Pro Wrestling' were nice enough to send me a DVD to review. Stupid me, I actually reviewed the DVD. I knew I was in trouble when the DVD is billed as "Where Pro Wrestling & Porn Stars Collide". I'm still a journalist [at least in my own warped mind], so I decided to give the promotion the benefit of the doubt and review their product.
Keep in mind the video is for adults only. The wrestling show is intertwined with adult sex scenes and adult themes. Thank goodness that WWE is rated PG. They still appeal to my wrestling tastes. This promotion is booked by David [formerly Mr. Luna Vachon] Heath. The promotion boasts a roster of Too Cold Scorpio, Buff Bagwell, Vampire Warrior, Pablo Marquez, and a bunch of jabonies. Did I mention that there were porn stars like Ron "Hedge Hog" Jeremy, Mary Carey, Evan Stone, and others!. I really think Dave Meltzer [people might get the wrong idea if I call him "Big Dave" in this article] should be reviewing this DVD instead of me.
The video opens up with a public service announcement by the promoter, Craig Valentine. The wrestling matches and the sex acts are being performed by trained professionals. "So Please Do Not Try This At Home". I'm glad they made this announcement. We wouldn't want a new generation of backyard wrestling and backyard porn groups to be popping up nationwide.
Show #1 opens up with 'New Porn Order' leader, Craig Valentine calling out Evan Stone. Craig mentions how we won't be seeing a epic battle between Evan Stone & himself, due to a hand injury [I'm not even going to speculate how he injured his hand]. Craig cues up a video. It's Craig showing some hoochie that he's the "genetic jack hammer" [Trade Marked by VKM]. I told you guys that I'm only reviewing the wrestling content to the DVD. Dave Meltzer will be providing the star ratings to the sex scenes on a later date. After the sex scene, Craig cuts a wrestling promo on Evan Stone. A wrestling promo? What did you expect, snuggling? Apparently Craig just had Evan Stone's girl in his own bed. This is straight out of the WWE Attitude era, accept they filled in all of the blanks for us. Too bad Evan Stone didn't even sell the angle and was laughing. Back in my day, Bill Watts would have choked Evan out to teach him how to sell.
The announcers are Ron Jeremy & Angelo Gunn. I hate Ron Jeremy on a personal level. His real last name is Hyatt. He used to tell Jasmin St. Claire and others that we were related, despite my actual last name being spelled H-I-A-T-T. Ron Jeremy = No Female Audience
We get a promo by a nervous Matt Bateman. Apparently he had relations with the Black Heart's girl. The Black Heart wants revenge. Apparently somebody in this promotion gives a damn if their girl cheats on them. Evan Stone could learn something here. Jeremy tells us that the masked Black Heart is ugly. Keep in mind that this is coming from a guy known has "The Hedge Hog'.
Ron Jeremy is awful as a announcer. He asks what are the names of the moves. Does this move hurt? Ron asks if the wrestlers are on pain killers. Ron Jeremy makes Mike Adamle sound like Jim Ross in comparison. Ron keeps asking about the rules to wrestling. He even asked if a guy can be pinned on his stomach. Black Heart got disqualified for not breaking a hold. Ron is now asking about why the Black Heart was disqualified. I'm considering on watching the rest of this DVD on mute in order to not hear Ron Jeremy. Ughhh!!!!!
Dok Rivers with Kara Tai VS. Mr. Montana:
This match is awful. They are blowing moves. Ron is talking about UFC for no reason at all. Luckily Ron is still asking about the names of the moves to distract us from the bad wrestling. Ron is now talking about his penis size. Ron is now asking why a 'Irish Whip' is Irish. I'm in announcing hell! Did I mention his one liners are horrible? Where is Mike Adamle when he is finally needed? Dok Rivers wins with a DDT. Ron Jeremy is now asking questions about wrestling psychology.
Evan Stone is now telling us that Craig Valentine having relations with his woman is no big deal. Thanks! I'm now glad I fast fowarded thru the sex scene. Why bother watching it, especially if you weren't going to sell for it. We now go straight to a video of Evan Stone with Vampire Warrior's woman. I hope you all know where this is going? Evan tells Shana that Vampire has been unfaithful on the road. Duh! He's a wrestler. Apparently they have not consumated their "Empire" in a while. After some really bad acting and convincing, Evan Stone & Shana finally get it on. Fast Foward. Shana is now upset [not very convincingly] after she rides "Space Mountain", since she cheated on her boyfriend for no reason.
I noticed that they are using the same bed that Craig Valentine used in his scene. At least they are using most of the budget for the wrestling instead of props for the sex scenes.
Summer Haze no shows her Womens Title defense. She is now stripped of the title by CEO Craig Valentine. We now have Tyler Faith with Evan Stone VS. Jessica Haze for the vacant title. Faith hits Haze with the belt and pins her in seconds. Too bad the announcers did not know any of the wrestlers names.
We cut to Pablo Marquez being screamed at by Loaded Cash. Apparently Pablo got his daughter in to the porn biz. Pablo doesn't see what's the big deal, since Loaded Cash hooked up with Pablo's cousin. Loaded Cash's promo is beyond horrible. His lack of anger made it very hard for me to believe that Pablo has developed enough pull to get girls in to porn.
Loaded Cash VS. Pablo:
Ron Jeremy asked what do you call a fist to the head? Luckily Ron found his career niche in porn, since he's not funny and doesn't know anything about wrestling. Loaded Cash wrestles and resembles Rufus R Jones [old school Central states wrestler]. Ron Jeremy is more interested in making jokes about transvestites and pedophiles than calling the wrestling. The announcers are speculating if Pablo hooked up with Loaded Cash's daughter on camera or off camera. Loaded Cash won this epic grudge match by torturing Pablo and the fans with rest holds.
Vampire Warrior VS. Too Cold Scorpio:
Commisioner Mary Cary [fresh out of Celebrity Rehab] shows off the prestigious NPO belt. Evan Stone comes out to a lame-ass Road Warrior costume. Ron tells us how he beat Chuck Liddell. Ron is now telling unfunny black jokes. They referred to Too Cold Scorpio as a "youngster". Ron speculated how big is Too Cold Scorpio. Vampire goes after Evan Stone, but Scorpio cuts him off. Evan is standing on the ring apron for no apparent reason [he knows no psychology about being a manager]. Evan & Scorpio are double teaming Vampire Warrior [no, not that kind of double team]. Craig's interference allows Vampire to get the win. Mary calls Vampire "a old washed up wrestler". Mary just smiles and no sells Craig setting up main event for the next show.
There is still another show on this DVD. The production values to the DVD are decent. Ron Jeremy is the worst announcer ever. You might want to check out the DVD for perverse amusement. I just have no opinion on this product. If wrestling and adult cinema is your cup of tea, than I strongly reccomend checking out this DVD.
I'll possibly summon up the strength to write about the second show, unless I get banned from multiple sites for this DVD review. The second show got Buff Bagwell, Too Cold Scorpio, Vampire Warrior, and more. You can buy this wrestling/adult DVD at www.newpornorder.com
Don't forget to stop by at missyhyatt.net for new reality videos, backstage videos, pictures, and more. I also have live video chats. My website is "100% Ron Jeremy Free". I can be booked for wrestling bookings, autograph signings, and a presenter to the AVN awards for "Best Adult Wrestling DVD" at missyhyatt@live.com
Editors Note: Dave Meltzer will not be providing a star rating to the matches or sex scenes. MMA is his top priority. He will instead be doing a review of "Jenna Loves Tito Ortiz", since he can justify it being MMA oriented.
Missy Hyatt
1st. Lady Of Wrestling
1st. Lady Of Wrestling-Related Porn Reviews?
www.missyhyatt.net
Keep in mind the video is for adults only. The wrestling show is intertwined with adult sex scenes and adult themes. Thank goodness that WWE is rated PG. They still appeal to my wrestling tastes. This promotion is booked by David [formerly Mr. Luna Vachon] Heath. The promotion boasts a roster of Too Cold Scorpio, Buff Bagwell, Vampire Warrior, Pablo Marquez, and a bunch of jabonies. Did I mention that there were porn stars like Ron "Hedge Hog" Jeremy, Mary Carey, Evan Stone, and others!. I really think Dave Meltzer [people might get the wrong idea if I call him "Big Dave" in this article] should be reviewing this DVD instead of me.
The video opens up with a public service announcement by the promoter, Craig Valentine. The wrestling matches and the sex acts are being performed by trained professionals. "So Please Do Not Try This At Home". I'm glad they made this announcement. We wouldn't want a new generation of backyard wrestling and backyard porn groups to be popping up nationwide.
Show #1 opens up with 'New Porn Order' leader, Craig Valentine calling out Evan Stone. Craig mentions how we won't be seeing a epic battle between Evan Stone & himself, due to a hand injury [I'm not even going to speculate how he injured his hand]. Craig cues up a video. It's Craig showing some hoochie that he's the "genetic jack hammer" [Trade Marked by VKM]. I told you guys that I'm only reviewing the wrestling content to the DVD. Dave Meltzer will be providing the star ratings to the sex scenes on a later date. After the sex scene, Craig cuts a wrestling promo on Evan Stone. A wrestling promo? What did you expect, snuggling? Apparently Craig just had Evan Stone's girl in his own bed. This is straight out of the WWE Attitude era, accept they filled in all of the blanks for us. Too bad Evan Stone didn't even sell the angle and was laughing. Back in my day, Bill Watts would have choked Evan out to teach him how to sell.
The announcers are Ron Jeremy & Angelo Gunn. I hate Ron Jeremy on a personal level. His real last name is Hyatt. He used to tell Jasmin St. Claire and others that we were related, despite my actual last name being spelled H-I-A-T-T. Ron Jeremy = No Female Audience
We get a promo by a nervous Matt Bateman. Apparently he had relations with the Black Heart's girl. The Black Heart wants revenge. Apparently somebody in this promotion gives a damn if their girl cheats on them. Evan Stone could learn something here. Jeremy tells us that the masked Black Heart is ugly. Keep in mind that this is coming from a guy known has "The Hedge Hog'.
Ron Jeremy is awful as a announcer. He asks what are the names of the moves. Does this move hurt? Ron asks if the wrestlers are on pain killers. Ron Jeremy makes Mike Adamle sound like Jim Ross in comparison. Ron keeps asking about the rules to wrestling. He even asked if a guy can be pinned on his stomach. Black Heart got disqualified for not breaking a hold. Ron is now asking about why the Black Heart was disqualified. I'm considering on watching the rest of this DVD on mute in order to not hear Ron Jeremy. Ughhh!!!!!
Dok Rivers with Kara Tai VS. Mr. Montana:
This match is awful. They are blowing moves. Ron is talking about UFC for no reason at all. Luckily Ron is still asking about the names of the moves to distract us from the bad wrestling. Ron is now talking about his penis size. Ron is now asking why a 'Irish Whip' is Irish. I'm in announcing hell! Did I mention his one liners are horrible? Where is Mike Adamle when he is finally needed? Dok Rivers wins with a DDT. Ron Jeremy is now asking questions about wrestling psychology.
Evan Stone is now telling us that Craig Valentine having relations with his woman is no big deal. Thanks! I'm now glad I fast fowarded thru the sex scene. Why bother watching it, especially if you weren't going to sell for it. We now go straight to a video of Evan Stone with Vampire Warrior's woman. I hope you all know where this is going? Evan tells Shana that Vampire has been unfaithful on the road. Duh! He's a wrestler. Apparently they have not consumated their "Empire" in a while. After some really bad acting and convincing, Evan Stone & Shana finally get it on. Fast Foward. Shana is now upset [not very convincingly] after she rides "Space Mountain", since she cheated on her boyfriend for no reason.
I noticed that they are using the same bed that Craig Valentine used in his scene. At least they are using most of the budget for the wrestling instead of props for the sex scenes.
Summer Haze no shows her Womens Title defense. She is now stripped of the title by CEO Craig Valentine. We now have Tyler Faith with Evan Stone VS. Jessica Haze for the vacant title. Faith hits Haze with the belt and pins her in seconds. Too bad the announcers did not know any of the wrestlers names.
We cut to Pablo Marquez being screamed at by Loaded Cash. Apparently Pablo got his daughter in to the porn biz. Pablo doesn't see what's the big deal, since Loaded Cash hooked up with Pablo's cousin. Loaded Cash's promo is beyond horrible. His lack of anger made it very hard for me to believe that Pablo has developed enough pull to get girls in to porn.
Loaded Cash VS. Pablo:
Ron Jeremy asked what do you call a fist to the head? Luckily Ron found his career niche in porn, since he's not funny and doesn't know anything about wrestling. Loaded Cash wrestles and resembles Rufus R Jones [old school Central states wrestler]. Ron Jeremy is more interested in making jokes about transvestites and pedophiles than calling the wrestling. The announcers are speculating if Pablo hooked up with Loaded Cash's daughter on camera or off camera. Loaded Cash won this epic grudge match by torturing Pablo and the fans with rest holds.
Vampire Warrior VS. Too Cold Scorpio:
Commisioner Mary Cary [fresh out of Celebrity Rehab] shows off the prestigious NPO belt. Evan Stone comes out to a lame-ass Road Warrior costume. Ron tells us how he beat Chuck Liddell. Ron is now telling unfunny black jokes. They referred to Too Cold Scorpio as a "youngster". Ron speculated how big is Too Cold Scorpio. Vampire goes after Evan Stone, but Scorpio cuts him off. Evan is standing on the ring apron for no apparent reason [he knows no psychology about being a manager]. Evan & Scorpio are double teaming Vampire Warrior [no, not that kind of double team]. Craig's interference allows Vampire to get the win. Mary calls Vampire "a old washed up wrestler". Mary just smiles and no sells Craig setting up main event for the next show.
There is still another show on this DVD. The production values to the DVD are decent. Ron Jeremy is the worst announcer ever. You might want to check out the DVD for perverse amusement. I just have no opinion on this product. If wrestling and adult cinema is your cup of tea, than I strongly reccomend checking out this DVD.
I'll possibly summon up the strength to write about the second show, unless I get banned from multiple sites for this DVD review. The second show got Buff Bagwell, Too Cold Scorpio, Vampire Warrior, and more. You can buy this wrestling/adult DVD at www.newpornorder.com
Don't forget to stop by at missyhyatt.net for new reality videos, backstage videos, pictures, and more. I also have live video chats. My website is "100% Ron Jeremy Free". I can be booked for wrestling bookings, autograph signings, and a presenter to the AVN awards for "Best Adult Wrestling DVD" at missyhyatt@live.com
Editors Note: Dave Meltzer will not be providing a star rating to the matches or sex scenes. MMA is his top priority. He will instead be doing a review of "Jenna Loves Tito Ortiz", since he can justify it being MMA oriented.
Missy Hyatt
1st. Lady Of Wrestling
1st. Lady Of Wrestling-Related Porn Reviews?
www.missyhyatt.net